Even in the MESS, God is aware and there.........

So, yesterday after kids got off to school and I fed the baby, I turned on my office computer and TV ready to settle in and get a little bit accomplished for work.  I just happened to hear the tail end of a news story about a boy named Asher Brown....I knew about him because last year, after relentless bullying, this 13 year old took from the Houston area, took his own life.  His story was part of the reason I had added the topic of bullying to my childcare training workshops. Not having heard the whole news piece, I went to the news stations website to look at it.  I clicked on the first link which took me to an article from just after he killed himself and I learned that what he had endured looks like exactly what happened to my son.  I felt sick.  Now, the reason his parents were on the news yesterday was because a state rep from Ft. Worth had put together an anti-bullying bill in Asher's name and sent it to Austin.  I immediately researched and found this reps email and sent him a short version of our ("B"'s) story.  What would transpire at the end of the day with "B" was not even a thought in my mind.

Cut to 9:00 last night and "B" had been irritable and a little negative all evening but as we walked away from his sisters softball game he asks me if depression was the same as suicidal.  This then led to another conversation about how he's doing / feeling about life's stuff.....answer in short - NOT WELL.  He shared that he is alone, mad, feels like he hates people, doesn't understand why these kids had to do what they did to him, and has thought of killing himself several times with the most recent being just in the past few days.  My heart sank, and we cried.  He told me that he has even thought about how he would do it.  I felt terrified.  I don't want to fall short when he needs me most and had no idea of what to do other than talk with him.  We checked on him several times last night as he slept....he rested well.

Today I set up counseling with our children's pastor at church as well as a counselor we have used for him since this ordeal began.  I also pulled him out of school and will begin the homeschool journey until summer.  My goal is to get him out of the environment that is literally killing him so that he can heal and be ready to go back to school in 8th grade.  He seems more peaceful today and in his words "feels a little more stable".  Prayer is key but it doesn't mean do nothing but pray.  Prayer will open the door for God to provide us with a path for healing.  It will involve continued faith and prayer but also guidance on getting help in other ways, such as counseling, homeschool etc..   In time, prayer will be answered and the steps we have taken if we listen to God will wash the memories of this horrible time away.  I am confident and sure of this.

Take away - in our talk last night I assured him that God is with him and will give him just enough strength to endure.  I told him God has plans to use this for "B"'s glory and that he's allowing him to go through it because he knows "B" is strong enough to come through and  help others.  I asked him not to short change God on the time he needs to do this.  I also told him that God has him covered with eveything he needs and in the time he needs it.  That it was okay to be angry and HATE the boys that did this and through his tears he looked at me and said "is it really okay to hate them"?  You see he's always loved people, would do anything for anyone just to be kind.  Feeling HATE is not who he is and he knows God doesn't want him to have hate in his heart.  I needed him to know that he can "feel" like he hates these boys because God's over him, covering him with everything he needs and that when the time is right, HATE will turn to forgiveness but that anger is a GOOD step in the healing process, he just has to address his emotions in the right way.

So, the road gets longer....I ....like my child, cannot yet see the end but am THANKFUL that today, my sweet, sweet boy is not looking to end it..  Today's song..... STRONGER, by Mandisa....love it!  

Monday AGAIN???

Well, another start to a week has come and gone....so so much to get done this week!  Took time today to talk with "B".  He has confided in me that he just feels "empty" and "angry" lately and it's apparent that as time goes on, so does the pain of dealing with being the kid that the STUFF happened to.  I hurt for him and long for the day that this is all a distant memory.....LORD, I ask you to bring that day to him soon.  To wipe his memory of any tiny thought he may have that somehow this was HIS fault.  Fill his spirit again so that I can see him shine......I miss that.  Our talk today was mostly ME talking and Brenton crying.  He told me that NO-one likes him.  He just feels alone.  I reminded him of how happy his little world was BEFORE the trauma of the weeks of bully and assault.  You see, these boys have stolen everything from my child.  They stole his confidence, his hope, his peace.  He was happy with his few close friends and cared very little about the opinion of others.  He was a self proclaimed mamma's boy and proud of it.  He found JOY in his art, in reading and loved to go to school....just to see his few good friends.  In recent weeks, he's found no real joy in any of that.

I wonder how a child deals with the stress of life when they don't confide in their parents or they don't have a parent that wants to listen???  Tonight a song comes to mind........ You Are More by Tenth Avenue North.  Take a listen and be reminded to listen to your loved ones...life is so busy and crazy for all of us, time flies by and in a flash we miss opportunities to support, nurture and love........